Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Father's...son...!


If the name of the game is therapy, Machiavelli is a good mentor. He believed that you needed to see the truth of that which 'is' - know what the meaning of 'is' is so that you can influence it with your power, energy & time. So! Therapy is all about deconstructing the situation, finding out how you acted then, in the past, when your brain was forming. Machiavelli was all about the truth.  Others might have said "Do not allow the forest to get in the way of the tree; for it is the tree from where the forest comes; for without the tree, there is no forest." It is all about knowing the environment, the small family of origin, home -life, neighborhood, school and other opportunities. These pieces form the personality. "...To thy own self be truthful...." It is hard because of the irony between my father and me. I got what he wanted; yet I did not want it; I got drafted, 1964.  He -on the other hand- wanted to go off to fight in the 'good war.' But the military denied him entry because he had to take care of me since he drove my mother into attempting suicide. She ended up in psychiatric care in the early 40's; it was a living hell. When she was released, she was like the walking dead waiting to be buried.  My father's and my relationship was based upon the war movies as a metaphor - he was John Wayne; I could be the "Jap" in the war movie -battles that he did not get a chance to fight in. Yes! Father wanted to go off to the good war against Japan & Germany with the rest of the guys, and be one of the guys who would come home, get all of those benefits from the G.I. Bill.  But! It never happened that way for Bill Smith. No! He could not be the man he wanted to be because he had to take care of 'me'.You Know! Mother was pregnant with me when the 'war of the world' broke out, December,1941. I came on the scene in March.  Shortly thereafter my mother placed me into a basket in the gas oven which she turned on as a way of freeing him from any obligation - therefore, allowing him the opportunity to serve in the good war against Japan & Germany. And if he survived he would get the G.I. Bill. too! Side bar: He was one of four brothers in his family; he was sacrificed for the good of the service; I was one of four siblings in his family; he sacrificed me for the good of the service. So! You see he was one of four male siblings; three went to war and came home to the G.I. Bill. As they say, "those were the days my friend...."Home was not a safe place to be for 'me' so I stayed on the streets as long as I could before going home hoping that things would be different, roaming for hours on the street. But they never were. I did not belong; I was out of place. If you don't fit in, you will be eaten alive. So I chose to roam.
comment: balanceincr@me.com